I wish I had time to go back to bed or go to Kansas City and watch the games at Buffalo Wild Wings, but that’s not the case today. Instead, I’m heading north on US 183 to Phillipsburg for its volleyball match vs. McCook. It’s not a bad compromise. Maybe I need to be away from B-Dubs. I’ve got to think sometimes that’s causing me to go off the deep end, because I see all these happy people in the restaurant, and then I see all the employees who are in long-term relationships. Not their fault, just reminds me of what I don’t have. And what little I do have.
I got a little upset last night when I saw Brittany Davidson post a picture on Facebook. She was at the Royals-White Sox game with her fiancee. I don’t blame her for posting it, but it was a stark reminder of two things: (a) I’m all alone and (b) I’m living in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to do.
I understand I am not desirable. In fact, I may be the least desirable person on earth. Nobody from one of the urban areas of Kansas–Wichita, Topeka, Kansas City–wants to drive this far west to a place where there really isn’t a thing to do. I have tried saying time and again I’m willing to come their way and not ever make them see Russell if they do want to, but they don’t take the offer. Those who live in the small towns out here are almost all married with multiple children long before they approach 40. I’m certain a lot of the mothers of the athletes I cover are younger than me. I can’t help that I lived in Louisiana until I was 45 days short of my 29th birthday.
There are a lot of other things working against me. I’m not rich. I’m ugly. I’m a mental case, with the emotional development of a 17-year old at best; I think I’m closer to 13 right now. My interests are very narrow. I don’t drink. I don’t like to be around a lot of people. I think being white isn’t helping my cause, but I don’t want to go down that road.
I have not seriously given thought to the escort route after the horror show I experienced in 2007,, but maybe it’s my last hope. I am scared I will die a virgin. I am scared nobody will love me for who I am. I am scared I will be mocked and ridiculed for the rest of my life.
At least I can go to Taco Bell on the way to and from Phillipsburg. That will be some solace. But I wish I had more to look forward to than Taco Bell and a volleyball match.