I am in Kansas City right now. I did not go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Did not even consider it. Instead, I got takeout at the Outback Steakhouse on Barry Road, the same one I’ve gone to many a time, and just took my food back to my hotel room at the Courtyard on Tiffany Springs. I stuffed myself good–New York Strip (rare this time, not overcooked), the ahi tuna, plus a salad, and I still have a Caesar salad left.

I couldn’t go back to Buffalo Wild Wings. Not after the commotion I’ve caused on my last two visits. Not with the hurt I’ve caused to two people who opened their hearts to me and I proceeded to treat like crap. I deserve to be alone and deserve to be ostracized for the things I did.

Brittany Davidson and Lisa Toebben were nothing but nice to me from the first time I encountered them at Buffalo Wild Wings. And recently, all I have done is piss on it. They have gone above and beyond what anyone should have to do to help another human being, and I have taken it for granted.

Brittany and Lisa had no reason whatsoever to help someone who lives 250 miles away, even if I am a regular customer at Buffalo Wild Wings. They didn’t have to do so, but out of the kindness of their hearts, they did all they could to help me, and more. And what have I done? Taken it and spit on it. They didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this treatment from me. Yet I’ve done it time and time and time and time and time and time and time again. No wonder I’m lonely. No wonder so many people have cut me out of their lives.

Brittany and Lisa are far from the first people I’ve done it to.

First and foremost, I blew my chance with Renetta Rogers because I supposedly posted negative things about her mother on Facebook, and supposedly it cost Liz Rogers a job in Jefferson City when she moved there with her husband and Renetta in 2009. Renetta was everything I was hoping for in a partner, and Renetta was really able to look past all my flaws and see what I had to offer, but I blew it. Really blew it. Maybe all of the things I’m going through now is karma for the way I royally screwed up with Renetta’s mother. Then again, I keep doing it.

I’m just so damn lucky a few, like Stacie Dauterive Seube and Toni LaRocca, have given me another chance. They didn’t have to. They could have easily forgotten about me when I left Arabi Park Middle for Brother Martin in 1989. They should have forgotten about me when I left Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina. But thank God they’ve come back to me. I know I haven’t talked to any of the others from Arabi Park as much as I have with Stacie and Toni, but at least I know they haven’t forgotten me totally.

Stacie and Toni have had it far worse than me. They lost Allison Richardson to cancer at 32. Nobody should have to live the last two-thirds of their lives without one of their closest friends. And it’s a damn shame Allison was robbed of her life so young. She had so much promise. I saw it in her when we were 12 and 13. I wish I could have gone in her place.

Brenda LeBlanc is another one who should have dumped me. If she wanted to take me to one of the bridges in Baton Rouge which span the Mississippi River and dump me over, I wouldn’t have blamed her. I let her down so much. So so much. I’m damn lucky there, too.

Elizabeth Psenski should have kicked me to the curb for the stunt I pulled before she went on her trip to Michigan in July. I pretty much pulled the same shit with her that I have with Brittany and Lisa. I thought she was going to do that to me on the Fourth of July, but she gave me a reprieve. She has more wisdom before 21 than I will ever acquire. It’s because she has a great mother. Nadine probably should have given me the cold shoulder, too, for treating her daughter so poorly. But she hasn’t.

Shannon Swanson came on board in June and has done all she can to help me, and I’ve let her down. I’m sure she’s frustrated with me. She offered to go to a group with me later this month. I need to. I need help.

Brittany posted something very harsh on my Facebook page last week. But she did it because she doesn’t want to see me sad. Yet here I was Monday still sad and angry too, and it had to not only make her angry that it seemed like I was ignoring her pleas, it had to scare her I was in that state. Over 48 hours later, I still can’t get it out of my head. If she doesn’t want to talk to me again, I understand.

Lisa had to put up with the same crap the previous week. She didn’t deserve it. She’s trying her best to help. She volunteered to go to the group with Shannon and I. She doesn’t have to. Lord know what I’ve put her through.

I know I will never, ever be forgiven. Brittany Davidson is probably out of my life forever. I deserve it. But I don’t know how I’m going to go on.