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Unburdened

A dark, heavy weight was lifted last Thursday at this time. Needless to say, it was a huge relief and while I can’t say my life is all rainbows and lollipops, it is far better than it was prior to 5 p.m. last Thursday.

I went back to Buffalo Wild Wings just before 3 p.m. last Thursday. I pulled into the far right spot for takeout orders and sat in my car. I passed the time by watching an episode of Silk Stalkings on my iPhone (isn’t technology grand?) and listening to WHB-AM, one of the two sports talk radio stations in Kansas City. It was close to freezing outside, so I had to run the car from time to time to use my seat warmer.

I saw a lot of the familiar faces go in and out of the restaurant. Nobody noticed me. And I mean nobody. I was so invisible that Michael Pinkerton, one of the shift leaders who also is in my fantasy football league, walked right in front of my car without noticing me.

At 4:30, I finally honked my horn loud enough to catch Morgan Gilliland’s attention, but she didn’t know it was me. I finally messaged her on Facebook and revealed it was me who honked at her. She told me to come on but I kept resisting.

I texted Liz a couple of times and told her I was sitting in my car outside. She told me that I should go in, but I told her I was dead scared.

By time it got close to 5, I was really crying. I was crying so hard the tissues would get wet very quickly.

Then Liz got out of a car with Sean and someone else. I honked, and Liz noticed. She came to my car and I told her what was going on. She tried to calm me down, tried to explain there was nothing wrong, that it was all in my mind and not real.

A couple of minutes later, Brittany and Lisa came up behind Liz and noticed me. They too were wondering what I was doing in my car. They told me it was fine, just don’t get emotional. I agreed to come in.

I sat at the bar since Brittany and Lisa were working there. I ended up staying for five hours. I did play trivia. I did not get emotional, nor did I eat too much. I even made a run to QuikTrip on Barry Road at 8:30 for pretzels, although Brittany ended up sharing hers with me.

I wanted to stay until closing, but since I had the long trip to Smith Center the next day, I left at 10. I left feeling better than I had in a long time.

I told everyone I would definitely be back no later than the day after Christmas. I’m hoping to go back one of the next two weekends at least to pop my head in.

Russell ready

I was all packed up and ready to go back to the room last night, but then Brittany and Lisa showed up with their significant others. Lisa said she was coming, but I didn’t think she would because of the rain, and if she didn’t, it would have been fine with me, because I would have understood with the weather. Brittany wasn’t supposed to come, because she had tickets to the Royals-Orioles game, but since that got washed out, she had the time to come.

Lisa was a little tipsy. She kept begging me to take a shot, but I kept saying no. Brittany tried telling her that I couldn’t take a shot, because I had to drive back to my hotel, and then back to Russell today. I promised Lisa another night when I didn’t have a lot of work and driving to do.

I would stay tonight, but I’ve got to get home. The Mid-Continent League volleyball tournament has been expanded to Thursday and Saturday at Smith Center. Add in the stuff for Russell tomorrow and the football game Friday, I need to go home. Also, I want to get out of here before the huge crowds for the Royals game tonight. Good excuse.

Year 38 in the books

The final minutes of my 38th year have ticked away. Technically, my final nine hours and change of my 38th year are here, siince I was born at 9:16 a.m. on October 13, 1976. I was born at Baptist Hospital in New Orleans, the same place where Peyton Manning was born to Archie and Olivia March 24 of that year.

I’m going to be spending my 38th birthday in the same place I spent my 37th, Buffalo Wild Wings at Zona Rosa. The big difference is this year everyone there knows it’s my birthday. Last year, nobody knew. Liz wasn’t working, although Sean was; in fact, he was my server that day. Alex was there, but nobody else, because Lisa and both Brittanys had not been hired yet, and Tori wasn’t there, either.

The best thing to happen to me during this 38th year was definitely meeting Lisa Toebben and Brittany Davidson, two people who have become such wonderful friends and people I can count on when I need them. I went the first 37 days of my 38th year without seeing Liz–I first met her in June 2013–but once I finally saw her, we began to grow closer, and for that I’m so grateful. I deeply care about Liz, Lisa and Brittany and am so happy they have people in their lives who care about them. As much as I love them, I realize I’m a little too old to be dating them. They need to be with men who can be there for them a long, long, long time. Maybe the Lord had something different in mind.

And I can’t forget all the others at Buffalo Wild Wings I’ve met through the year: both Morgans, Jaclyn, Shelby, Lauren, Sydnie, Raymie, and another of my favorites, Sam, who’s at school at Northwest Missouri State in Maryville. Liz is one of the old hands, along with Alex and Tori.

Reconnecting with the people from my past at Arabi Park Middle School, first and foremost Stacie Dauterive Seube, was very important. I will always hold Stacie very near and dear to my heart, as I will many of my former classmates from 1988 and 1989. Sadly, Allison Richardson is no longer with us, and I still deeply regret not being able to properly say goodbye.

My brother Jason began his second year of wedded bliss yesterday. My parents had resigned themselves to the fact neither he nor I would ever get married and ever have children, but Jason not only gets married, he finds a lady with a daughter. My mom and dad have taken to Ali, but there’s a feeling that there’s not the full connection, since she has a different biological father.

My prospects? Can’t worry about them. Can’t control them. Not going to sit in front of my computer wasting money with online sites, not going to go bar hopping in Russell, Hays, Salina, Wichita, Kansas City, wherever looking, because I have far more important and better things to do.

Speaking of better things to do, I have some writing to get done if I want to spend most of my birthday with the lovely ladies of B-Dubs. Be back soon.

 

Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again

I am in Kansas City right now. I did not go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Did not even consider it. Instead, I got takeout at the Outback Steakhouse on Barry Road, the same one I’ve gone to many a time, and just took my food back to my hotel room at the Courtyard on Tiffany Springs. I stuffed myself good–New York Strip (rare this time, not overcooked), the ahi tuna, plus a salad, and I still have a Caesar salad left.

I couldn’t go back to Buffalo Wild Wings. Not after the commotion I’ve caused on my last two visits. Not with the hurt I’ve caused to two people who opened their hearts to me and I proceeded to treat like crap. I deserve to be alone and deserve to be ostracized for the things I did.

Brittany Davidson and Lisa Toebben were nothing but nice to me from the first time I encountered them at Buffalo Wild Wings. And recently, all I have done is piss on it. They have gone above and beyond what anyone should have to do to help another human being, and I have taken it for granted.

Brittany and Lisa had no reason whatsoever to help someone who lives 250 miles away, even if I am a regular customer at Buffalo Wild Wings. They didn’t have to do so, but out of the kindness of their hearts, they did all they could to help me, and more. And what have I done? Taken it and spit on it. They didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this treatment from me. Yet I’ve done it time and time and time and time and time and time and time again. No wonder I’m lonely. No wonder so many people have cut me out of their lives.

Brittany and Lisa are far from the first people I’ve done it to.

First and foremost, I blew my chance with Renetta Rogers because I supposedly posted negative things about her mother on Facebook, and supposedly it cost Liz Rogers a job in Jefferson City when she moved there with her husband and Renetta in 2009. Renetta was everything I was hoping for in a partner, and Renetta was really able to look past all my flaws and see what I had to offer, but I blew it. Really blew it. Maybe all of the things I’m going through now is karma for the way I royally screwed up with Renetta’s mother. Then again, I keep doing it.

I’m just so damn lucky a few, like Stacie Dauterive Seube and Toni LaRocca, have given me another chance. They didn’t have to. They could have easily forgotten about me when I left Arabi Park Middle for Brother Martin in 1989. They should have forgotten about me when I left Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina. But thank God they’ve come back to me. I know I haven’t talked to any of the others from Arabi Park as much as I have with Stacie and Toni, but at least I know they haven’t forgotten me totally.

Stacie and Toni have had it far worse than me. They lost Allison Richardson to cancer at 32. Nobody should have to live the last two-thirds of their lives without one of their closest friends. And it’s a damn shame Allison was robbed of her life so young. She had so much promise. I saw it in her when we were 12 and 13. I wish I could have gone in her place.

Brenda LeBlanc is another one who should have dumped me. If she wanted to take me to one of the bridges in Baton Rouge which span the Mississippi River and dump me over, I wouldn’t have blamed her. I let her down so much. So so much. I’m damn lucky there, too.

Elizabeth Psenski should have kicked me to the curb for the stunt I pulled before she went on her trip to Michigan in July. I pretty much pulled the same shit with her that I have with Brittany and Lisa. I thought she was going to do that to me on the Fourth of July, but she gave me a reprieve. She has more wisdom before 21 than I will ever acquire. It’s because she has a great mother. Nadine probably should have given me the cold shoulder, too, for treating her daughter so poorly. But she hasn’t.

Shannon Swanson came on board in June and has done all she can to help me, and I’ve let her down. I’m sure she’s frustrated with me. She offered to go to a group with me later this month. I need to. I need help.

Brittany posted something very harsh on my Facebook page last week. But she did it because she doesn’t want to see me sad. Yet here I was Monday still sad and angry too, and it had to not only make her angry that it seemed like I was ignoring her pleas, it had to scare her I was in that state. Over 48 hours later, I still can’t get it out of my head. If she doesn’t want to talk to me again, I understand.

Lisa had to put up with the same crap the previous week. She didn’t deserve it. She’s trying her best to help. She volunteered to go to the group with Shannon and I. She doesn’t have to. Lord know what I’ve put her through.

I know I will never, ever be forgiven. Brittany Davidson is probably out of my life forever. I deserve it. But I don’t know how I’m going to go on.

Two Mondays in one

I am tormented yet again today. I am doubting myself. I don’t know why I bother going on sometimes.

I had a very bad night last night. I got upset at something I probably should not have when Lisa Toebben posted a picture of herself with Brittany Davidson and their significant others from Saturday night while celebrating Brittany’s birthday. I ran out of Buffalo Wild Wings in a huff without saying goodbye, broke down and cried after checking in to the Courtyard Briarcliff, and then couldn’t get it out of my head even after a trip to The Cheesecake Factory, a stop at QuikTrip in Merriam, and then a return to Buffalo Wild Wings to talk things out with Elizabeth Psesnski and Tori Weber.

Today got off to a horrendous start. I could not get going in the morning, largely because I exhausted myself last night by crying myself out. I fell behind with my work, and then I seriously could not decide whether or not I would go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Braidey Howe told me she was working, so I figured I would go and see what was going on.

About the only good thing from the first part of today was the tiramisu cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. I still have two slices of Kahlua in the refrigerator. I thought about eating a slice tonight, but I now have other plans for that.

At first I was very apprehensive when I got to Buffalo Wild Wings at 2:40. I said on Facebook I was scared, but Tori tried to tell me I was seriously overthinking and everything would be okay. I hoped she was wright. I had my doubts.

Fortunately, Tori was right. Lisa came in at 4 and everything was fine. She understood why I was upset about not going out besides going to Buffalo Wild Wings, but reminded me I have so much to be thankful for. I do. Lisa is too good a friend to ever hurt me, as are Liz, Tori, Brittany and a lot of the others I’ve met through the years at Buffalo Wild Wings.

It turned out to be a pretty good night. I posted my second highest score all-time on Buzztime’s The Pulse, 29,170, which should get me #1 in the nation for the fifth consecutive week. The food was outstanding. I made the right call with the blackened chicken breast instead of just grilled.

I just played my last round of trivia. Time to work until I leave for the hotel. Taco Bell is a possibility. At least I have the hotel room for another night in case I need it past noon. I’m going to have to go to Buffalo Wild Wings for 11 to give Lisa the Kahlua cheesecake. Maybe Brittany will show up and she can take the other piece.

 

Gift bearer

I was a good guy today. I drove from Tiffany Springs Parkway all the way to 119th Street in Overland Park to stop at The Cheesecake Factory and Lukas Liquors. The only thing I picked up for myself were two six-packs of Abita root beer.

I got three slices of cheesecake–two red velvets for Elizabeth Psenski and Brittany Davidson, and Kahlua for Jaclyn Blankenship. God I love Kahlua and was tempted to eat it myself, but I figured it would do my heart and mind good to give it to her. I bought Brittany some more beer so she and her fiance Zach can celebrate her birthday Saturday. I won’t be able to be in Kansas City Saturday due to the volleyball matches going on.

The Royals lost the completion of the suspended game to the Indians 4-3. They scored once in the bottom of the 10th and had a runner on second,, but Omar Infante popped up to shortstop. The Royals got out of a bases loaded jam in the bottom of the first of the regularly scheduled game and lead 1-0 in the second.

The Bears and Jets are the Monday Night Football game. Meh. There’s been better and there’s been worse. The Bears have a good offense and a bad defense, and the Jets have a bad offense and a good defense. If they could combine the Bears’ offense and Jets’ defense, that would be an unbeatable combination.

The Pulse, Buzztime’s sports trivia game, starts at 7 p.m. I’m going for my fourth consecutive national high score. I fell to #2 last time I tried for four in a row.

Bad dude

I am a total jerk. So many people at Buffalo Wild Wings have been so nice to me since I started frequenting the restaurant in May 2013, and yet I’ve been mean to them so often. I don’t know why they want to continue to be my friend, but obviously they are much better people than I.

I did it again late last night with Elizabeth Psenski. I texted her, but I stupidly forgot to tell her it was me. She got a new cell phone last week and had a new number, but since she lost her phone, it figured she would not have transferred her numbers from her old phone to her new one.

I did not think that through, and when I saw “Who is this” on my phone as I exited I-70 at Balta Road, my heart sank. Once again, I made a fool out of myself with Liz, which I have done too many times to count over the past 15 months.

Some of the other terrible things I’ve done to Liz:

  • I was all over her on August 23 of this year after having a bad day. She didn’t come in until 4 p.m. and I was very rude to her for a couple of hours. It got better, but I felt bad about it.
  • I lost my cool when she didn’t work July 3, and I thought she was working that day. I complained to just about everyone I could find, including her mom. I bitched about her spending time with her boyfriend, when I had no right to do so. I was also worried about her going on vacation for two weeks and forgetting about me. Liz gave me the third degree the next day. I deserved a heck of a lot worse.
  • I got upset for her having fun at a wedding. Why?

Unfortunately, I’ve done some very mean things to some of Liz’s colleagues, and that has kept me up numerous times at night, and also turned my stomach as I’ve made the long drive east on I-70  from Russell to Kansas City, scared every time I’ve made my way over there.

Lisa Toebben–I’ve ignored her countless pleas to stop being negative and to smile more. I’ve also made some comments about my miserable life whenever she posts pictures of her boyfriend.

Brittany Davidson–screamed at her this past Monday because I didn’t see Lisa the day before.

Ladies please please please forgive me. I promise to do better. I promise. Please please please forgive me!

Tormented–what’s new?

I wish I had time to go back to bed or go to Kansas City and watch the games at Buffalo Wild Wings, but that’s not the case today. Instead, I’m heading north on US 183 to Phillipsburg for its volleyball match vs. McCook. It’s not a bad compromise. Maybe I need to be away from B-Dubs. I’ve got to think sometimes that’s causing me to go off the deep end, because I see all these happy people in the restaurant, and then I see all the employees who are in long-term relationships. Not their fault, just reminds me of what I don’t have. And what little I do have.

I got a little upset last night when I saw Brittany Davidson post a picture on Facebook. She was at the Royals-White Sox game with her fiancee. I don’t blame her for posting it, but it was a stark reminder of two things: (a) I’m all alone and (b) I’m living in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to do.

I understand I am not desirable. In fact, I may be the least desirable person on earth. Nobody from one of the urban areas of Kansas–Wichita, Topeka, Kansas City–wants to drive this far west to a place where there really isn’t a thing to do. I have tried saying time and again I’m willing to come their way and not ever make them see Russell if they do want to, but they don’t take the offer. Those who live in the small towns out here are almost all married with multiple children long before they approach 40. I’m certain a lot of the mothers of the athletes I cover are younger than me. I can’t help that I lived in Louisiana until I was 45 days short of my 29th birthday.

There are a lot of other things working against me. I’m not rich. I’m ugly. I’m a mental case, with the emotional development of a 17-year old at best; I think I’m closer to 13 right now. My interests are very narrow. I don’t drink. I don’t like to be around a lot of people. I think being white isn’t helping my cause, but I don’t want to go down that road.

I have not seriously given thought to the escort route after the horror show I experienced in 2007,, but maybe it’s my last hope. I am scared I will die a virgin. I am scared nobody will love me for who I am. I am scared I will be mocked and ridiculed for the rest of my life.

At least I can go to Taco Bell on the way to and from Phillipsburg. That will be some solace. But I wish I had more to look forward to than Taco Bell and a volleyball match.

Macabre Monday

Tonight has been another horrendous night. If that weren’t bad enough, September 16 will always be one of the worst days of the year for me. I’ll worry about tomorrow when it comes, but believe me, I will explain it all.

It all went horribly wrong just after 5 when Brittany Davidson showed up. Instead of a warm greeting like i usually have for her, I was more worried hat Lisa Toebben didn’t work yesterday, fearing that she took yesterday off knowing I would be there so she could avoid me. Brittany tried telling me that was not the case, but I didn’t believe her. I still thought it was all about Lisa not wanting to see me.

I then blew up. I thought Brittany wanted nothing to do with me. Liz had to take me outside and calm me down, but it didn’t work, because then I took my frustrations to Facebook and posted something about how I thought people in the small towns in Kansas were didn’t like me and didn’t want me there.

That was a very bad idea. Someone from one of the towns–I won’t say where–got very upset and threatened to cancel her subscription to the paper in her town because of me. I immediately knew I was dead wrong, and I deleted what I had posted, but the damage was done. And now I’m being threatened with having to give up Facebook, which would make me even more isolated than I am right now, which is pretty bad.

I tried to make myself feel better by going to get pretzels at QuikTrip for Brittany, Liz and Jaclyn Blankenship. They were all very, very grateful.

I have a lot of work to do, and then drive back west. Yikes. My life sucks right now.

Bit of blue Monday

If it weren’t for Buzztime’s The Pulse, I probably would have been on my way back to Russell a long time ago. Or if I did stay in Kansas City, I would have remained in my hotel room, taken a nap and then gotten back to work. Instead, I’m having a tough night at Buffalo Wild Wings. Really tough.

A server shift got me tonight. I was hoping Brittany Davidson would be my server tonight, but instead she got shifted to the dining room, leaving me with Morgan Gilliand. Morgan is good, but she doesn’t know me inside out like Liz and Lisa, and not even as well as the Brittanys (Davidson and Mathenia-Tucker) or Alexandra Mullinax. I kind of hurt my own cause, though, by pushing her away with a hand motion. Should not have done it.

I think I am done playing trivia in a little while. If I stay, I’ve got work I can get done. I have to leave KC by noon tomorrow, hotel checkout time, in order to drive west on I-70.

I might be coming back Wednesday night and Thursday to get new tires on the Chevrolet. I’ll see. I know Friday I’m heading to Smith Center.